The Crying Game...

I know I should be happy. I know that I have so much more to live for than so many people. I just can't bring myself to get there. When they say "depression hurts" I think no shit! I am at the point where anything can make me cry a song, a thought, an accomplishment or a loss, mostly anything can make me cry.

I am starting to think of a talk that a teacher named Ms. Ramirez had with me and another girl in our gifted class. I was only in the 7th grade and she had told all the other students but Kendra and I their IQ's. We asked her why and she responded that we should not know because of how high they were. We thought it was unfair because all the other kids got theirs. All IQ's between 130 and mid 140's but we could not have ours she said. So, for days Kendra and I kept asking until one day she kept us after class before band practice and explained truly why.

An explanation I am sure Kendra didn't want either. An explanation that has always haunted me more than any other conversation I have ever had. Living with knowing that I am smart enough to do with the vessel that God gave me anything I set my mind to. Living with knowing that the tiniest thing sets me off task and sends me into an emotional whirlwind. How could her explanation cause me to for life think about that day?

She explained that one of us was exceptionally gifted and the other profoundly gifted. She continued to tell us that with these labels came problems, especially emotional ones. So, she rather not tell us who was who and what our scores were. What she did do is tell us two more things. She told us that she didn't understand how the profoundly gifted one of us had such a high score being tested so late in life. She said the younger a child is when you test them the higher the score because you are tested on what you should not know for your age but as you get older it is harder to test off the charts like one of us had. Then she finished by telling us that our last gifted teacher who committed suicide was profoundly gifted as well.

The last teacher who graded our papers, cleaned her house perfectly, prepared her body for her own death and slit her wrists in her tub during the Christmas break. A woman who had such severe OCD that people considered her a lil off. A woman that no matter how perfect she seemed to the world was a wreck inside. As I write this and knowing I was the profoundly one tested at the end of 3rd grade unlike Kendra who was tested in 1st grade I cry. I can't stop crying anymore.

I want God to take this "gift" from me. I want God to take it from my son who also tested as profoundly gifted and already has depression and a mind that races at 1,000 miles per hour. I want God to make me simple to make me meak and weak. I want these feelings to go away and never haunt me again. I want God to make Ms. Ramirez take it back! What I want most from God is to let me be happy or at least stable.

I don't want to fit the stereotype of going from absolute feelings of grandeur to feelings of total inadequacy! I want to stop shaking as I type this and I want to bury my short story I wrote recently never to be found and never to come true. But I know that this year may be my last. I have this overwhelming feeling I will not be here long. Not that I want to die at my own hands but that I feel like it is going to happen anyhow.

Today, I feel okay. I had a great day. I got things done. I helped someone I barely know. I laughed. I danced. I designed. I did so much that I like including eating Nachos! lol

IDK why I am sharing this. I know that this is mostly for me because it is only the random stranger that will find this. If you do find it dear random unknown person please understand that I don't hate myself. I don't even dislike myself. I truly love myself and have come to terms that I am a mess!

I am a mess! A lovely, beautiful, extraordinary and perfect mess but a mess nonetheless!

I am working on calming my mind and writing lists. Lots of lists of what I need to do. Lists of what I have accomplished. Lists of why I can't exit stage left just yet. Lists, lists, lists! Maybe if I write enough lists I can live just because I have to write lists and that purpose can keep me here.

I just want to be able to stop crying! I really should not hit publish post!!! So, many times I have written in here and not hit publish post because I know that this gets cached. But today I am going to hit it. I am going to hit it for that random person out there that may find it at that special moment when they too want to check out...so, to you I say...

Write a list I know it sounds stupid but write a list of the things you haven't done you want to do. Pick something feasible on it and go for it! For me right now it still is running a marathon for my daugther who is in heaven giving me even more lists of things she can't do that I should do for her. Write a list and if nothing else works send me a msg on aim LidiaAnain.

Just don't let the crying game turn into the dying game! There is always something tomorrow better to cry about, so at least live to cry about something even more tragic tomorrow. Know what I mean?

So, I will share what makes me cry the most...dance! It always will because it is one of the things I love the most and regret the most of not pursuing as a career!

This piece I found by chance through the grace of God...because he always leads me to something more tragic to cry about...instead of checking out. Listen to the words in the song and if you can relate, don't worry you aren't ordinary nor am I but it is ok...

Ode to Pandora.com

I frickin LOVE Pandora.com! It is the most awesome thing in my universe at this moment! It just gets the music I like for me. Pandora is a mode lifter! Who needs anti-depressants when Pandora.com is free! WooHOO!

I am still awake because every time I try to pull the earbuds out Pandora.com plays another jam I love and I can't move! I attribute my insomnia to pandora!

Oh, pandora.com you are the only lil box I like opening without fear of what will fly out never to be put back!

Fairy Tales

Eyes deep in thought, so deep I wonder if I reach you.
Mind racing into the future, so fast that I wonder if I can keep with you.
Virtuous and opinions well thought out, so determined that I wonder if I am too fickle to be with you.
Hopes so bright, your being so luminous that I wonder if my pessimistic thoughts might not fade your shine.

So capable you are, that you make me believe in anything.
So fearless you are, that you make me forget my fears.
So vivacious you are, that you make me want to bounce and fly.

Now...if...
If I could only reach you, touch you and grasp you.
If I could only be fast, agile and strong enough to keep up with you.
If I could only commit to you like you commit to flowing with the changing winds.
If I could only learn to let my hopes be my guiding light.

Oh, how I wish to let go of this fear that fairy tales aren't real...
If I could only grow to love you...the me that lives in those fairy tales...

The Woman I love...

There is a woman that I love with all my heart and with all my being. A woman I watched suffer for so long. She is a woman that I would die for just to give her a second chance at happiness and love. I wish she understood how much I truly love her no matter how many times I have hurt her or she may have hurt me! There is no doubt today and always I will always love her. Today and always I thank her for my existence! How I love you Mommy! You are everything I only wish to be! For you I live to be a better woman than I was born to be. By your side I wish to always be but even when we are not together and even when God takes you away from me, you will always be beside me my Queen!

I heard this song tonight and after listening to it once I knew this song was my love song to my mother! It is the MOST beautiful song I have ever heard! I don't think anyone in my life deserves it more than my mother. I guess I finally realized becoming my mom is probably the best thing that could ever happen to me, but just a happier version of mom, lol.



And on another note...I pray, Dear God stop making me such an emotional pussy! I feel like in this transition of my life I am in constant tears. I ask you why you fill me with answers and strength and let me cry as I walk towards the path you have opened for me? Just please let me walk this path with less tears. And please don't let me hurt anyone through this journey because I honestly see the end of some things but don't want to hurt those I love but can no longer let be part of my life. Also, please watch over my mom in her trip to Europe, bring her back to me, happy and healthy!

PlurkTastic Day!

I love plurk.com! I really enjoyed watching interesting convos brew on Twitter.com especially between the "big dogs" of the net. As things broke they would be all over twitter discussing things. But after I came from the first leg of my summer vacation it seemed twitter was always broken. In the crazy insane mode I found plurk.com. What a wonderful, useful, entertaining and uplifting site!

I think they hit the nail on the head by encouraging good Karma! Everyone participates and is super friendly. I have found it to be every enjoyable place to spend time between lulls of ftp'ing files or waiting for this or that. I am sure it will like everything else get corrupted by the people who will want to hoard friends and the likes of who knows but for now it is the place to be.

I hope that before the rest of the world really gets the notice about plurk that I have found my niches. I hope to have a clique of my real life inner circle friends who have known me 4ever, a clique of just my female friends that I can tell my girl secrets to, a clique of other mommies to discuss mommy stuff, a clique of techies and of course a clique of friends that I will bring over from the 999 social networking sites I am already on!

Check out my plurk thread widget to the right of this blog! Yes, I say some crazy things but after all I am the one and only LidiaAnain! I would not want to be any other crazy, sexy, cool chic! LMAO...okay that was a joke ya'll!

Nite nite it is way too early in the AM once again and here I am rambling. Come plurk me in the morning http://www.plurk.com/user/lidiaanain

people are strange...I am stranger

I personally think everyone is completely broken. Humans are such needy, emotional animals, that have lost all sense of instincts! My dog is the happiest bastard ever! Me I sit here on my thrown and wonder if I am happy. Now, after days of non sleep...the more I talk to people the more I realize we are all broken.

We have such needs to connect but at the same time we are so protective of not letting anyone too close! I personally have stopped projecting myself as anything other than truly broken. I am ToxicEuphoria and that statement is true of my life. UPS and downs both extraordinary and each unique. I will stop trying to be the person others can love and accept and be the person I can love and accept!

So...as I reluctantly go to sleep I accept that my heart will never feel the same again but my mind and faith can get me past this moment in time. I will find in me what I need to become the person I love...even if it means losing some of those I love the most!

Now on another note can't wait to go back to FL and finish my tat! Take time away from the Kings and be alone if for at least a few hours just chillin!!! YaY!!! Even the plane rides alone with just me and my iTunes sounds like fun. I am soooooo exhausted from providing for others both emotionally and physically!

So, todays prayer...Dear, God teach please teach me to say no to others and please help me find a balance between doing what I need for me and for my sons and to not feel guilty for doing either more than the other! Dear God please lemme find my path back to you so that I can get on track with what I need to do with this life you have given me!

Do Emotions Connect Us?

As I sit here typing, in the darkness with only the light from my desk lamp and monitor to illuminate my thoughts I wonder do emotions connect us? The sultry beat of another Tori Amos song starts to invade my musings and I think YES! Emotions DO have to connect us. That is why after listening to these same songs for years I can never tire of them. Tori Amos is one of those singer/songwriters that has helped me along my path from those awkward teen years to my early thirties. She had to feel these emotions that make her music relevant to me. Here I go getting off task and off topic, so let me get back on track by telling you why I am writing. Today, in the process of wondering should I keep going down this path of web development or should I just go back to school and attain a masters as a Nurse Midwife? Well, what happened I don't know if it carried an answer or what but it did show me that no matter what our emotions bind us.

How could the loss of another woman's baby bring back so many of my own memories? How could I sit and cry for hours reading her blog. I mean I have only had brief email contact with her and I have never met her in person. She was someone I always admired for her ideal way of balancing home and business while still being a great mother and a great business woman! Her very well planned life got set off track and onto a different path. I know that she will be alright because unlike me she has a very strong faith in God and great support system. How I wish that she had never gone through her pain but how her pain has taught me there are so many unhealed wounds in my own life.

So, although today I spent most of the day crying about Heather, about Sawyer, about my own daughter Isabel Grace, about my inability to help myself like I help others, and about nothing...I wondered will I ever recover my faith?

So, because for whatever reason today of all days I stumbled upon grief I pray...

Dear God, please help me find my faith in you! Help me find the path that you have meant for me and my life. Help me be a better mother to these boys while also being good to myself. Dear God, help me find peace with my own mother. Help me release the hurt and pain about Isabel Grace so that I can be a better aunt to my niece and I can finally hold her without bitterness or envy. Most of all God please teach me to help myself before I help others. Dear God, I know that you are there and I am the one who has faltered so, help me find my way back!